This word just in:
According to a report appearing in this week's Austin Chronicle, The Second Coming was missed by most "Christians" who apparently have been irrevocably left behind. It has now been confirmed that The Rapture occurred in 70s at the height of our greatest need during the Nixon Administration.
Not surprisingly, due to the Pharisaical and militantly Zealot demands by nominal Christians left behind in America, the returned Messiah was quickly replaced when he died of old age by the Antichrist, Ronald Reagan and his free-market economic advisers.
Turns out, Christ-II was a Quaker, which should surprise no one, given his formal title from the Psalms, "Prince of Peace." He was known far and wide among little children -- his greatest followers of course -- as the one-and-only, dearly beloved Cap'n Crunch.
Just as predicted by the visionary St. John of Patmos, who transcribed his dreams and visions into the Book of Revelation, The Anointed One returned sword in hand; however, bible scholars are now attesting that the blood-covered sword of the Authorized King James Version was a mistranslation of the Latin Vulgate, which was mistranslated itself from the Greek by Jerome or one of his assistants. The original Greek more properly transliterates into English as "milk." Interestingly, milk often covered the sword that was used by the Cap'n for cutting bananas for his breakfast cereal.
Cap'n Crunch condemned no one during his all too brief second visit here on Earth, leaving a body of teaching that continues to astound nutritionists familiar with the kosher Jewish dietary laws spelled out in the Old Testament.
A portion of His New-New Testament has been captured on video, which we present below, in a stunningly compassionate appearance where he reveals -- if you listen with your heart -- all of the great Wisdom of history's greatest spiritual teachers. But first, "Ye must become as little children to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."